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YO MOMMA: |
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Yo momma so fat, when she turns around, people give her a welcome back party! |
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Yo momma so fat she saw a yellow bus full of white kids and said, "STOP THAT TWINKIE!! " |
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Yo momma so fat, when she runs she makes the cd player skip, at the radio station!!! |
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Yo momma so fat, when she went out side in a red dress, everyone yelled, "HEY, KOOL-AID!" |
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Yo momma fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck. |
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Yo momma is so fat her waist size is equator! |
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Yo momma so fat she went bungee jumping and went strait to hell! |
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Yo momma so fat shes on both side of the family. |
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Yo momma so fat when she walks around in Texas in high heels, she strikes oil! |
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Yo momma so fat, the last time she saw 90210 was on the scale! |
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Yo momma so fat that when God said, "Let there be light," he told her to move her fat ole ass over! |
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Yo momma so fat she fell in love and broke it. |
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Yo momma so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up. |
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Yo momma so fat even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction! |
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Yo momma so fat she wakes up in sections! |
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Yo momma so fat when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER! |
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Yo momma so fat when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun! |
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Yo momma so fat she's got more chins than a Hong Kong phone book! |
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Yo momma so fat she has a wooden leg with a kickstand! |
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Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says, "To be continued." |
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Yo momma so fat her nickname is, "DAY-UM!" |
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Yo momma so fat she eats Wheat Thicks. |
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Yo momma so fat we're in her right now. |
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Yo momma so fat people jog around her for exercise. |
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Yo momma so fat, she went to the movies and sat next to everyone. |
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Yo momma so fat she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors. |
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Yo mamma so fat, you have to roll over twice to get off her... |
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Yo momma so fat she was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her for the new world. |
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Yo momma so fat she lay on the beach and people run around yelling, "Free Willy!" |
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Yo momma so fat when you get on top of her your ears pop! |
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Yo momma so fat when she has sex, she has to give directions! |
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Yo momma so fat, she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says, "Okay!" |
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Yo momma so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people say, "Taxi!" |
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Yo momma so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptized. |
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Yo momma so fat, she got to iron her pants on the driveway. |
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Yo momma so fat I've known her all my life ... and I still haven't seen ALL of her! |
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Yo momma so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller. |
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Yo momma so fat she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets. |
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Yo momma so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th. |
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Yo momma so fat when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too. |
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Yo momma so fat the highway patrol made her wear, "Caution! Wide Turn." |
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Yo momma so fat when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE! |
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Yo momma so fat when she steps on a scale, it read, "One at a time, please." |
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Yo momma so fat when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo. |
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Yo momma so fat her neck looks like a pair of hot dogs! |
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Yo momma so fat she's got her own area code! |
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Yo momma so fat she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagen! |
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Yo momma so fat God couldn't light Earth till she moved! |
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Yo momma so fat NASA has to orbit a satellite around her! |
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Yo momma so fat, whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in! |
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Yo momma so fat when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, L.A., Chicago... |
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Yo momma so fat she's got Amtrak written on her leg. |
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Yo momma so fat , her legs are like spoiled milk - white & chunky! |
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Yo momma so fat I had to take a train and two buses just to get on the bitch's good side! |
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Yo momma so fat she sat on a quarter and a booger shot out of George Washington's nose. |
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Yo momma so fat she was mistaken for God's bowling ball! |
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Yo momma so fat when she bungee jumps she goes straight to hell! |
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Yo momma so fat that her senior pictures had to be arial views! |
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Yo momma so fat she fell and made the Grand Canyon! |
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Yo momma so fat she sat on the beach and Greenpeace threw her in! |
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Yo momma so fat that when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips! |
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Yo momma so fat her belly button's got an echo. |
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Yo momma so fat even her clothes have stretch marks! |
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Yo momma so fat she has to use a VCR as a beeper! |
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Yo momma so fat she uses a pillow case as a sock. |
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Yo momma so fat she broke her leg, and gravy poured out! |
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Yo momma so fat when she rides in a hot air balloon, it looks like she's wearin tights! |
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Yo momma so fat they have to grease the bath tub to get her out! |
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Yo momma so fat she has a run in her blue-jeans! |
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Yo momma so fat her blood type is ragu. |
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Yo momma so fat they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumping |
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Yo momma so fat she has to buy two airline tickets. |
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Yo momma so fat that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas. |
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Yo momma so fat the animals at the zoo feed her. |
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Yo momma so fat when she dances at a concert the whoelband skips! |
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Yo momma so fat she stands in two time zones. |
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Yo momma so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her through. |
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Yo momma so fat when the bitch goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps. |
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Yo momma so fat that she can't tie her own shoes. |
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Yo momma so fat sets off car alarms when she runs. |
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Yo momma so fat she can't reach her back pocket. |
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Yo momma so fat when she wears a Malcomn-X T-shirt, helicopters try to land on her back! |
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Yo momma so fat she uses redwoods to pick her teeth. |
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Yo momma so fat the only pictures you have of her are satellite pictures. |
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Yo momma so fat she put on some BVD's and by the time they reached her waist they spelled out boulevard. |
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Yo momma so fat she stepped on a rainbow and made Skittles. |
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Yo momma so fat she uses a mattress for a tampon. |
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Yo momma so fat she hoola-hooped the super bowl. |
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Yo momma so fat they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her through a tunnel when they want to clean it. |
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Yo momma so fat when she got hit by a bus, she said, "Who threw that rock?" |
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Yo momma so fat when she stands in a left-turn lane it gives her the green arrow! |
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Yo momma so fat she uses I-95 for a Slip 'n Slide. |
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Yo momma so fat that when whe was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks. |
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Yo momma so fat the National Weather Agency has to assign names to her farts! |
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Yo momma so fat we went to the drive-in and didn't have to pay because we dressed her as a Chevrolet. |
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Yo momma so fat she was Miss Arizona -- class Battleship. |
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Yo momma so fat she accidently got a 757 caught in her teeth. |
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Yo momma so fat to her, "light food," means under 4 Tons! |
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Yo momma so fat she went on a date with high heels on and came back with sandals! |
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Yo momma so fat and stupid, her waist size is larger than her IQ! |
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Yo momma so fat she was zoned for commercial development. |
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Yo momma so fat she won, "Miss Bessie the Cow 94." |
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Yo momma so fat she has her own brand of jeans: FA - FatAss Jeans.
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RIDDLES: |
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1)Where did Pilgrims land when they arrived in America? |
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2)Who succeeded the first President? |
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3)When is the best time to have lunch? |
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4)When should you strike a match? |
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5)What makes a man bald-headed? |
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6)What always ends everything? |
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7)What is it that one needs most in the long run? |
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8)What animal keeps the best time? |
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9)Why should you always carry a watch when crossing a desert? |
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10)How many words are in the Bible? |
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11)In the USA, about how many gallons of milk does the average cow give in one year? |
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12)Where is the windiest place on earth? |
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13)How many muscles do you use to take a single step forward? |
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14)What is the most frequently sung song in the English language? |
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15)What verse is the exact center of the Bible? |
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16)Are most calico cats female or male? |
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17)What is the largest island in the world? |
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18)Name the four US states that meet at a place called "the four corners"? |
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19)Who invented scissors? |
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20)How old was Mozart when he wrote his first concerto? |
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21)What is the slowest animal and what is its speed? |
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22)Which is heavier - milk or cream? |
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MAGIC TRICKS: |
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"ODD OR EVEN"
The magician asks an audience member to momentarily turn around, take some coins from his pocket, and hold them inside a closed fist. The magician removes some coins from his pocket, and holding them in his closed fist, turns and says, "We both have coins concealed in our hands. Although I have absolutely no idea how many coins you have hidden in your hand, I can positively predict that when my coins are added to yours, if your amount is odd... it will become even. If however, your amount is even, then it will change to odd.
The audience member counts his change and finds that he has an odd number of coins. The magician adds his coins to the spectator's and, as predicted, the total changes to even.
SECRET: Although it would appear that the solution to this swindle depends on the magician's ability to secretly ascertain the exact amount of coins concealed in the audience member's hand, nothing could be further from the truth. The trick works regardless of the amount. The secret lies in the fact that the magician's hand always contains an odd amount of coins. The odd amount of coins, when added to the audience member's will make an even amount total odd, and an odd total even. |
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"COLOR DIVINATION"
Although this is one of the first tricks I performed for my friends and family when I was a youngster, it is one that I will perform from time to time and find that it works well for audiences of all ages. It's really quite simple to do, and the only requirement is an ordinary box of wax crayons.
SECRET: The magician stands with his back to the audience as he instructs one of them to open a box of crayons, remove one and note its color. He holds his hands behind his back and has the audience member place the crayon into one of his upturned palms. Holding the crayons behind his back, he turns to face the audience and explain that you actually intend to divide the crayon's color by the sense of touch. As you say this, scrape the thumbnail of the hand holding the crayon across its waxed end, thereby forcing a small amount of wax to lodge under the nail. Transfer the crayon to the other hand and bring out the one with the colored wax under the nail. Touch it to your forehead. As your hand travels past your face secretly catch a glimpse of the color. As soon as you
glimpse the color, close your eyes and pretend to be in deep thought as if you were really trying to divine the color. All that remains is for you to name the color and bring forth the crayon for verification.
The most important aspect of this trick is its performance. When attempting to divine the crayon's color, you must act as though you really have the ability to do so. If you believe that you can divine the color, so will your audience. |
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"FIND THE ACES"
An audience member shuffles a pack of cards while the magician has the inside pocket of his coat inspected. The pocket is found to be empty and the deck is placed inside.
The magician explains that he will attempt to locate the four aces by the sense of touch. With that, he thrusts his hand into the pocket and brings out an ace. this is repeated until all four aces have been retrieved. The rest of the pack is removed from the pocket and immediately handed out for examination.
SECRET: Prior to the performance, remove the four aces from the pack and place them into either your left upper vest or shirt pocket.
Begin by having someone shuffle the deck. Since no one knows what you intend to do with the cards, there is really no reason for you to be concerned about someone that the deck is aceless.
Upon receiving the shuffled deck, have your left inner jacket pocket examined and, after it's found empty, have the cards placed inside. Explain that you intend to locate the aces through your uncanny sense of touch. Thrust your right hand under your coat and into your left vest or shirt pocket and, after a brief moment, extract one of the aces. Repeat that procedure until all four aces have been removed. Take the deck from your pocket and hand it out for examination. |
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"YOU DO AS I DO"
This card matching effect is by far the best of all self-working card tricks. If you really want to fool a friend with a great card trick, this is the one that will do it. Even though it requires no skill and is relatively easy to do, it is very interesting to note that the impact of this effect is so great that quite a number of professional magicians, who are proficient sleight-of-hand experts, still feature it in their performance.
The magician offers an audience member his choice of two decks of cards. The audience member chooses one and the magician takes the other. Each shuffles their respective deck. The decks are exchanged and the magician and the audience member both select a card from their deck. The cards are returned to the decks and the decks are given several cuts. The magician and the audience member exchange decks once again and both remove their selections. When both cards are turned face-up, they are shown to be identical.
SECRET: The principle used to accomplish this effect is called the Key Card Principle. A key card is a card whose identity and position in the deck are known only to the magician. Although a key card can be located anywhere in the deck, for simplicity, most magicians prefer to use the top or bottom card of the deck as their key card. The idea behind the principle is to secretly position the key card, by means of a cut, directly alongside the selection, either above or below it, and thereby use it to correctly identify the chosen card. To accomplish this trick you will be using the bottom card of your deck as your key card.
Begin by having someone select one of the two decks. To avoid confusion, it is important that you use two decks that have contrasting back designs. Have the audience member shuffle his deck and you shuffle yours. Secretly sight and remember the bottom card of your deck as you exchange decks with him. This should be done in a casual way so as not to arouse suspicion. A quick glimpse is all that is necessary. As you exchange decks say, "You've shuffled the cards that I'm going to use and I've shuffled the deck that you're going to use. This way it's impossible for you to know the position of any card in my deck and I can not possibly know the position of anyone in yours."
Explain to the audience member that in order of this experiment to work, it is absolutely necessary that he do exactly everything as you do. Reach into the center of your deck and remove a card. Instruct him to do the same. Tell him to remember the name of his card. Although he remembers his card, it is important that you do not. Just pretend to. Return your card to the top of your deck and have him do the same. Cut off about half the cards and place them off to the right. Complete the cut by picking up the remainder of the deck and placing it onto the cut-off portion. Have the audience member do the same. When he cuts his deck he will unknowingly place you key card directly on top of his selection. Suggest that the cards be cut in the same manner a second time in order to further loose the selections and, when that's done, suggest that you both cut the cars one more time for good luck. These additional cuts are merely a ruse to convince the audience member that the cards are completely lost.
The decks are exchanged once again. He takes yours; you take his. Tell him to look through the cards to find his selection. As he does this, you look through your deck and locate your key card. When you find it, the card directly below it, to its immediate right, will be the audience member's selection. Remove this card, set your deck aside and place the card, face-down onto the table. Have him do the same. Turn to him and say, "Because we each did exactly the same thing, believe it or not, we each selected the very same card!" Have the cards turned face-up to show this to be true. |
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"DIME AND PENNY TRICK"
This is a fine impromptu mind reading effect that requires no preparation whatsoever. The magician has an audience member hold a dime in one hand and a penny in the other. He's instructed to close both hands into fists. The magician turns his back and asks him to concentrate on one of the coins. After a moment the magician turns around and correctly identifies the mentally selected coin.
SECRET: Begin by handing the audience member the two coins. Place the dime in his right hand, the penny in his left and tell him to close both hands into a fist. Look directly at him and say, "I want you to concentrate on one of the two coins. You can think of the dime or the penny, but, please don't give me any help. Don't glance at your hands, just concentrate on one of the coins and I'll try and tell you exactly which one you were thinking of."
Close your eyes as if you're actually trying to read his mind. After a moment open them and say, "I'm having some difficulty, I'm not getting anything. You're going to have to help me. I'll turn my back, and while my back is turned I want you to place the hand holding the coin you're thinking of, against your forehead like this." Demonstrate by holding your fist against your forehead. Turn your back and say, "All right place the hand containing the coin you're thinking of against your forehead. Have you done that? Good. Now hold it there and concentrate on the coin. Concentrate, trying to visualize it in your mind's eye."
Pause for a moment and then say, "All right, I think I've got it. Please take your hand from your forehead and place it alongside the one holding the other coin. Have you done that? Good. Then it's all right for me to turnaround." Turn to face him and, as you do, glance at his hands. One will be considerably lighter in color than the other. The hand he held up against his forehead will be much lighter due to the fact that the blood has rushed out of it. Do not stare at his hands--a cursory glance is all that is needed. Instead, look directly into his eyes and dramatically name the coin he's been concentrating on. If his right hand is lighter, it's the dime. If his left and is lighter, it's the penny. |
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"THE BIRTHDAY TRICK"
This is a great mathematical trick that is generally presented as a puzzle, but it takes on a whole different meaning when it's performed as a mindreading effect.
The magician turns his back and has someone write down on a piece of paper the year of their birth. Below this, he has them write down the year in which an important event occurred in their life. Below this, he has the person jot down their current age and below this he has them write down the number of years that have passed since the important event occurred. He has them draw a line below the figures and asks to have the figures totaled. The magician turns around, and correctly announces the total.
SECRET: This is a very old mathematical trick. If you add the year of the person's birth to his present age, it will naturally result in a total that equals the date of the present year. The same thing holds true for the year of an important event and the number of years since it happened. Therefore, when the four figures are totaled, the answer will always be double the present year.
Note: If the person hasn't celebrated their birthday yet, then the total will be double the present year minus one. In order to avoid this problem, it is wise to ask the person the month they were born before starting the trick. If their birthday for the present year has not occurred then subtract one
year from the total. |
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"THE 21 CARD TRICK"
Even though this is probably the most famous self-working card trick in existence, it's still a great puzzler and a lot of fun to do.
The magician deals three rows of cards onto a table. Each row contains seven cards. An audience member is asked to locate the thought of selection.
SECRET: Shuffle the deck and begin by dealing three cards, face-up, in a row from left to right. Deal another three cards on top of the first three. In doing so, be sure to overlap them so you can still see a portion of the underlying card's faces. Continue dealing in this manner until you have three rows with seven cards in each row.
Ask an audience member to think of any of the cards on the table and then, without telling you its name, have them indicate the row that contains the mentally selected card. Gather up one of the two rows that does not contain his card. It is important that you do this in a manner that does not alter the position of any of the cards. Gather the row containing the audience member's card in the same manner and add it onto the top of the first gathered pile. Gather the remaining row of cards and add it onto the top of the other two. This will center the pile containing the mentally selected card between the other two.
Pick up the packet of 21 cards, turn it face-down, and once again deal out three rows of seven, face-up, cards. Ask the audience member to indicate the row the row that now contains the mentally selected card. Gather up the three rows as before, and in doing so, be sure that the pile containing the selected card is once again centered between the other two.
Turn the entire packet face-down as before and deal out three rows of seven face-up cards. Ask the audience member to once again indicate the row that now contains the mentally selected card. When he does this, you immediately look at the forth card in that row. Remember this card, it is the selection. |
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UPDATED: February 15, 2003 @ 8:11 PM |
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Also, Email me if you have any jokes, questions, comments, magic tricks, or even SHOUT-OUTS! |
